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Jul. 2nd, 2015

Title: Count the Eggs in Her Fridge
Fandom: Everybody Loves Raymond
Characters: Debra Barone/Ray Barone
Prompt: Beginnings.
Word Count: 781
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Raymond gets everything
Author's Notes: Debra and Ray begin their relationship; based off of Season 3’s finale “How We Met”: contains mentions of teenage sex/alcohol/pot use.

Ray Barone was, by his own admission, not exactly known for being a catch. He had a big nose; he was a part-time futon salesman (he was planning on becoming a sportswriter, he really was); he still lived at home with his parents and older brother; and he had accidentally seen the most beautiful woman he’d ever met half naked. 

Her name was Debra. 

Debra Whelan, and they’d met when he and Gianni had delivered her futon and she’d seemed to like him and he’d managed to get a date with her and then he’d seen her, well, in a state of undress. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d seen a woman without clothes, there had been others. There had been Priscilla, Robert’s longtime crush, whom he’d gotten to third base with on his older brother’s birthday, only stopping when said brother had walked in on them and had cried. 

Part of him had felt bad.

Then, of course he’d caught Robert with Janet, his casual girlfriend, and even though he was only flirting with her, Ray’s guilt had disappeared. 

Marjorie had been the next one, on prom night, and they had actually gone all the way, in a haze of Mary Jane and the schnapps he’d stolen from his father’s liquor cabinet. They’d done it on his mother’s plastic covered couch, the sounds of his Beatles records drowning them out. The next day his mother hadn’t noticed a thing, not even that the plastic covering smelled of sex, and he smirked, not saying a thing.

When Robert and Janet tried the same thing, a little birdie had alerted his mother, who put a stop to it right away. 

Raymond gets everything, his brother was fond of saying.

But none of them mattered. Not Priscilla, not Janet, not even Marjorie. All he wanted was her.

And he was sure he’d blown it.

Positively blown it.


“Check the eggs in her fridge, Ray, a woman wants you to spend the night if you check the eggs in her fridge and there’s enough for the two of you the next day.”

Stupid Andy and Gianni thought that Debra only wanted sex. That wasn’t true. She was a lady.

Robert had seen her, and he was jealous.

Even his mother, the impossible to please Marie, approved. Somewhat.

Raymond gets everything.

And he likes it.


Raymond didn’t sleep with Debra that night, even though she’d treated him to a very nice dinner of lemon chicken and even though they’d made out on the futon that he’d delivered earlier that week.

Because, Debra wasn’t like any of the other girls, she was different, but in a good way.

She was in PR and she told Ray that she believed in his dream to become a sports columnist, she’d even offered to introduce him to some of the Rangers, when he got the chance. 

She smiled and thanked him, quietly, when he complimented her food, telling him that no one had ever said that her cooking was good before, and he told her that it was the greatest-better than his mom’s.

She’d promised not to tell Marie that.

He’d been incredibly grateful, and then he’d knocked her out with her freezer door. It had been an accident.

He’d expected her to be angry with him, but instead she smiled and asked him to pass her the frozen peas, while he apologized profusely. 

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, whispering that it was okay and sticking the Popsicle he offered her in her mouth, sucking on it in an appetizing manor. 

He’d made her lay on the futon, certain that he’d somehow hurt her. Seriously hurt her. It would have been his luck.

But she’d been fine and she told him all about her two older sisters-one who was married and lived out in Alaska and didn’t keep in touch much and the other whom Debra hadn’t spoken to ever since the time she’d been on the front page of the New York Post due to what she referred to as “an embarrassing situation involving The Who and a bunch of strung out groupies”. He actually felt like his family was normal-by comparison, at least. His only brother was a cop. A normal cop, well except for his crippling fear of living alone and his bizarre habit of touching every bit of food to his chin. He felt sort of bad for Robert, though he’d never admit it.

They fall asleep on the futon together, her cuddled up against him, and he presses a kiss to her hair.

He could hear his brother then and there. Raymond gets everything

And he hoped he did.

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